I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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