the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
