my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I got inside last night via doggy door
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
