Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
