She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
