i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
