Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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