he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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