Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I am one with the molecules
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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