Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
