remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
