it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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