every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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