I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
