i can't believe i had my finger in that
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
