I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
