so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
