somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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