So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
