So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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