Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
