On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Still dying that you shit outside
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
