I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
