3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
