i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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