Got a toothbrush?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
