I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
