I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
