Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Success! We fucked roommates!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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