so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
