I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize