K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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