just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize