we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
