My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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