she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize