update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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