I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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