just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
