That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
