I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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