She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
