I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
