Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize