Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
