There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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