Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
