White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My bed smells like the plague
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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