How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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