So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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