last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
