i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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