I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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