I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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