life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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