So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
