i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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